My First Birthday Without Mom

It's kind of weird, I knew it was going to happen, but it still sucks...My birthday was yesterday and I didn't get a call or a card from my mom for the first time in my whole life. Eventhough I know she is gone, it still hurts. I knew that it wasn't coming, but that doesn't mean I didn't want a card or a call.

I keep thinking that I am giving this up to God--my hurt, my sadness, my anger, but I am finding out everyday how I keep taking it back myself. I know (in my mind) that God is in control of all of this. I know that God knew this would happen and that He allowed it for a reason that is far beyond what we could understand, but getting that into my HEART is another thing.

I have had a hard time giving my feelings to God, I have been holding onto them, thinking that I have the strength to get through this, but what if I don't and God knows it? What if God wants me to surrender my all to Him, the Creator of Heaven and Earth so that I can grow closer to Him? What if God is trying to show me that I don't trust Him like I should? I know that I don't trust Him fully. Why not though? What is holding me back from fully trusting the only one who will ALWAYS be trustworthy? Father, HELP ME TRUST YOU.

Like I've said before, each day is a new challenge. I'm thankful for Alan who loves me through everything, even when I am crabby from holding those hurts in and I get mad at him for no reason. I am thankful that God has put us together. I'm thankful that I can just cry and that he will hold me when I miss my mom.

I think about the things that Mom missed out on already--Kristina's baby, Athena's 1st anniversary, my birthday, Beth's 1st anniversary and tomorrow Beth's birthday. In the end though, I know that Mom is worshipping the King of all Creation, the One True God and that if we want to see her again, we also need to worship Him and bow down before Him now. We never know when our last moment will be, I want to be ready. I hope the rest of my family is ready.

How Much Longer???

So, it's been 6 weeks since my mom passed away...we still don't know the cause of her death. That's a hard thing to deal with. I know that my mom had chronic pain, but it shouldn't have killed her. To top it off, she was only 46 years old!!! There had been a few visits in the last 8 months of her life where the doctors said that she overdosed (she was on some potent pain killers), but I really don't think that was the case, no one in my family believes that. There was no reason for a 46 year old woman to die. When they checked on her medications after she died, they found that they were all accounted for. How much longer do I have to wait to find out how my mom died??

Part of me wants to know, but part of me doesn't. If they say that she overdosed, I think I will have a hard time accepting it because I knew that as much as my mom longed to go "home," she knew that she had 3 daughters and 4 grandchildren counting on her, not to mention COUNTLESS other family members. I pray that God would work in this situation, make the best of it, bring some good out of it (I know it is possible).