Christmas Time

Okay, so I have known since Thanksgiving that this holiday season would be one of the hardest ever...that sucks, going into the season know how hard it will be, but I don't think you can really anticipate what you will be feeling, when you will feel it or how hard it will hit you.

Alan asked me if I had good Christmases growing up...I really can't remember a "good" Christmas as a kid. They got better as I grew up, but as a young kid, I don't remember much. I do remember the year that Mom got our presents from the second hand store and I remember my sister crying because she got a "boy's sweater." I don't even really remember what I got. I also remember finding out (years after the fact) that one year all of our presents had been stolen from the back of someone else's car, I don't remember those gifts either. The one Christmas I do remember was the first Christmas after my mom had her first job and was "clean." We lived with our Uncle Jerry and mom was so excited, she found 2 bikes at Toys R Us for my sisters. Christmas morning came and they fought over who would get which bike! Now, granted, I knew this would happen-Mom showed me the bikes and they were 2 different bikes, one of which was, well, let's just say not as cute as the other. In my eyes, a fight was inevitable. I don't remember the end result, if either of my sisters settled for the ugly bike, but I do remember mom was a bit crushed. Again, not sure what I got that year.

When we moved to Montana, Christmases were better. We spent them with LOTS of family, which was the most important and memorable part of Christmas for me...

So, there I was, Christmas Eve 2008, singing (on stage) at church when I looked out into the congregation and I saw a mom and daughter...the daughter's head was on her mom's chest, mom leaned down and kissed her on her forehead and I had to fight back the tears and just make it to the end of the service. It just reminded me of my mom and how much I really missed her this Christmas. I know that's all I really seem to write about--missing my mom, but just understand that this is how I get my feelings out and how I remember them.

All the leaves are falling...Winter is now here--Charlie Hall

I love Charlie Hall. His lyrics have really hit me hard on his latest CD. I really feel like some of them were written just for me, at just this time in my life. To be honest, I have been doing pretty good lately (dealing with my mom's death), but when Thanksgiving came, it hit me hard. I couldn't even describe how I felt, until Alan prayed about it and talked to me. The feeling I had inside was (and still is on some days) EMPTINESS. It is such a hard feeling for me. I can't think of a time in my life when I have felt such utter saddness. I feel like I am running at about 70% lately. I can go out with my friends and I have to force myself to interact. It's nothing on their part, but everything on my part. I feel like I could sit in the car with Alan and just not talk, but I know that's not the best thing to do.

I am struggling with the balance of feeling the feelings, but not slipping into depression. I learned that you are depressed when you know what the cause is, but it's depression when you don't have a reason for the sadness. Last night, I just cried, Alan ran his hands through my hair and comforted me (when I got up to go to the bathroom, my hair looked like Einstein!!). I love him for that. Apparently grief goes through seasons...I am in the winter, but I will cling on to Jesus and His promises. One day, He will wipe the tears from my eyes and I will be united with Him...and see my mom again.

"All the leaves are falling, winter is now here, the spring is coming...and you can bloom again." I will bloom again. This isn't the last winter, but I know I have many more springs ahead of me.