Last night I was at a worship concert with my favorite band, the Charlie Hall Band. It was great. I really enjoy the fact that God has blessed the band and that God truly shows up at their worship experiences. His presence was there and I just wept, not in a bad way, but in a good "cleansing" way. If you don't know what I mean, then I can't really explain it. The downside...I thought so much about my mom. Worship (singing/music) was one of her favorite ways to express her love to God. So, it was a good/bad night. I cried in worship, I cried for her, though I know that she is worshipping in a way that I can never fully know until I, too, am in heaven.
Today is kind of hard too. One month ago today, I saw my mom for the last time, only it wasn't really her. We had her viewing for the family on June 29, 2008. I saw her lying on the table, it was her, but then again, it really wasn't. It was just her body, nothing left of her. No breath, no life, no smile...no mom.
Some days I feel like an orphan. I think today is one of those days. It sucks!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Not Much New This Week
So, not too much is new this week. My sister and her family came to visit me last week. It was nice to have her come and hang out and make s'mores over the camp fire. I think that it's good to have family close by during these tough times. Sometimes I don't know what to do or say when my family calls and they are feeling down. I know that sometimes I am just supposed to listen, but it is hard to not try to offer help or what not.
We still have to decide what to do with all mom's things. Some things we will yard sale, some stuff we will keep for a while. Then there's the house...mom's house. It's one of those things, we don't want to get rid of it, but we don't want to keep it either. I don't know that I want to go back to the house and have someone else staying there. I don't know. My sisters and I have more planning and talking to do.
I miss you mom...
We still have to decide what to do with all mom's things. Some things we will yard sale, some stuff we will keep for a while. Then there's the house...mom's house. It's one of those things, we don't want to get rid of it, but we don't want to keep it either. I don't know that I want to go back to the house and have someone else staying there. I don't know. My sisters and I have more planning and talking to do.
I miss you mom...
Thursday, July 17, 2008
I Have Had My Share of Sadness, Too
I don't really know what it means when people say "you are so strong." I just haven't figured that one out yet. I guess I just want people to know that I have had sad nights, sad moments, times when all I can do is cry. I haven't held my feelings back through this, but I do know that when I focus on a task, that's where my mind is. I guess the main point of this post is to say this...please know I am mourning my mom, I am not always strong.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Gone A Little More Each Day
Yesterday I was looking through my day planner, updating my appointments and whatnot...I looked in the front on the "information" page and there it was, my mom was listed as my second emergency contact (my hubby is my primary contact). I couldn't well keep her as a contact now, so what was I to do but cross her out. CROSS HER OUT?!?! It felt so wrong.
Later as I was driving home I heard a song on the radio, "I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side..." I know that the song is really talking about God, but right then, I thought about my mom, about not being able to talk to her or hear her. This is soooo hard.
To make it worse, I need to cancel her cell phone, but I haven't yet because I wanted to hear her voice again. I wanted to record her voice mail message. It's not that I wanted to hear the words "Hi, this is Cindy..." I just wanted to be able to hear her voice again. So, Alan and I got our phones out I called mom's phone and put it on speaker phone, Alan put his phone up and recorded the message. I hadn't heard the message for a few weeks (I haven't called since she died) and when I did, I just started crying and sobbing.
I don't want to lose her, but she is gone. All I have left are memories. Fred Nelson said that his kids have a mahogany box for memories. Is it too late to start one for Mom? I'm not sure, but I am going to try anyway. I will find the things that remind me of her and I will put them in a box so I can have them whenever I want. I am just starting to feel like she is gone a little more each day, and that is painful.
Later as I was driving home I heard a song on the radio, "I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side..." I know that the song is really talking about God, but right then, I thought about my mom, about not being able to talk to her or hear her. This is soooo hard.
To make it worse, I need to cancel her cell phone, but I haven't yet because I wanted to hear her voice again. I wanted to record her voice mail message. It's not that I wanted to hear the words "Hi, this is Cindy..." I just wanted to be able to hear her voice again. So, Alan and I got our phones out I called mom's phone and put it on speaker phone, Alan put his phone up and recorded the message. I hadn't heard the message for a few weeks (I haven't called since she died) and when I did, I just started crying and sobbing.
I don't want to lose her, but she is gone. All I have left are memories. Fred Nelson said that his kids have a mahogany box for memories. Is it too late to start one for Mom? I'm not sure, but I am going to try anyway. I will find the things that remind me of her and I will put them in a box so I can have them whenever I want. I am just starting to feel like she is gone a little more each day, and that is painful.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Hiding Behind the Busy-ness
This weekend I had to go to my mom's house and pack up. I guess I didn't have to, it's just that I don't know how long we can wait before we get it done. People say that you shouldn't do things too soon, but if we (my sisters and I) wait, who will pay the utilities? We are already trying to figure that out for this month.
Anyhow, we were packing, or trying to pack. It was kind of a hectic deal. My sisters and I all react differently. I just want to get things done, if I am focused, I am okay. My younger sister is still having a hard time with it all and it is too new for her to do anything--which I TOTALLY understand--so she went through the pictures and separated them for us (thanks :) The youngest sister is kind of in-between, so, she is okay with packing and she is fine with my "organized" way of doing things, I think. So, I guess I was kinda orchestrating all the packing. Grandma wanted to know what to pack (as long as it wasn't breakable), my aunts wanted to help, my sisters were helping, grandpa came and packed the breakfast nook, my husband was putting together boxes for the whole thing, wrapping stuff in paper, moving boxes hither and thither, and looking around the house. I was pretty well occupied for a good 7 or 8 hours, then it hit.
As soon as we were done, it was like my whole mood changed. I wasn't distracted by the things we were doing and my heart had time to feel. When Alan and I had some time alone, I felt the sadness and the stress of all this. The rest of my family seems to feel it throughout time, while I feel it when I lose my focus. I don't know why I am this way, but I don't really think it's bad. I think that as long as I let myself feel the emotions, it's good. I don't want to hide my sadness, but it is easy for me to get into busy mode. Thankfully, I know how to turn that mode off and I know how to let my emotions come through. It's still hard to feel this way, come on, let's fact it, I'm 30 and my 46 year old mom is gone, but I am praying everyday that Jesus would truly use this to bring about some good in our family's life.
P.S.--Beth, Athena, Aunt Rita, Aunt Angel, Grandma & Grandpa and Alan, thanks for all your help this weekend with the packing. I could never do it on my own, I am glad that I have a great family that I can go through this with. I love you!
Anyhow, we were packing, or trying to pack. It was kind of a hectic deal. My sisters and I all react differently. I just want to get things done, if I am focused, I am okay. My younger sister is still having a hard time with it all and it is too new for her to do anything--which I TOTALLY understand--so she went through the pictures and separated them for us (thanks :) The youngest sister is kind of in-between, so, she is okay with packing and she is fine with my "organized" way of doing things, I think. So, I guess I was kinda orchestrating all the packing. Grandma wanted to know what to pack (as long as it wasn't breakable), my aunts wanted to help, my sisters were helping, grandpa came and packed the breakfast nook, my husband was putting together boxes for the whole thing, wrapping stuff in paper, moving boxes hither and thither, and looking around the house. I was pretty well occupied for a good 7 or 8 hours, then it hit.
As soon as we were done, it was like my whole mood changed. I wasn't distracted by the things we were doing and my heart had time to feel. When Alan and I had some time alone, I felt the sadness and the stress of all this. The rest of my family seems to feel it throughout time, while I feel it when I lose my focus. I don't know why I am this way, but I don't really think it's bad. I think that as long as I let myself feel the emotions, it's good. I don't want to hide my sadness, but it is easy for me to get into busy mode. Thankfully, I know how to turn that mode off and I know how to let my emotions come through. It's still hard to feel this way, come on, let's fact it, I'm 30 and my 46 year old mom is gone, but I am praying everyday that Jesus would truly use this to bring about some good in our family's life.
P.S.--Beth, Athena, Aunt Rita, Aunt Angel, Grandma & Grandpa and Alan, thanks for all your help this weekend with the packing. I could never do it on my own, I am glad that I have a great family that I can go through this with. I love you!
Monday, July 7, 2008
Everyday a New Challenge
Yes, everyday there is something new to think about...I won't ever be able to call my mom again; my mom won't be sending me a birthday card this year; Christmas just won't be the same...I have told myself to expect that each day, week or month that passes will possibly present a new "never again" for me. There are so many crazy thoughts going through my head right now, but I dare not put them in words, at least not for now, once they are in words, they are permanent, and I don't think I am ready for that right now.
Another challenge that I have is knowing what death really means to me. I do believe with all my heart that my mom is in heaven because she believed in Jesus, and I don't just mean that she believed that He exists, but she lived for Him as well. But beyond that, I am kind of at a loss. I don't think that she is an "angel" now that is watching over me, because I don't think that people turn into angels, but I don't know how "aware" she is of this life on earth. Does she hear me? Does she see me? Or is she doing what she was created to do--worship God. I know that one is certain, but beyond that I'm not too sure. I guess you could say that I am exploring what death means to me as a Christ-follower. I may not find the answer, but I know that when I get to heaven, those things which are cloudy to me will be made clear.
Another challenge that I have is knowing what death really means to me. I do believe with all my heart that my mom is in heaven because she believed in Jesus, and I don't just mean that she believed that He exists, but she lived for Him as well. But beyond that, I am kind of at a loss. I don't think that she is an "angel" now that is watching over me, because I don't think that people turn into angels, but I don't know how "aware" she is of this life on earth. Does she hear me? Does she see me? Or is she doing what she was created to do--worship God. I know that one is certain, but beyond that I'm not too sure. I guess you could say that I am exploring what death means to me as a Christ-follower. I may not find the answer, but I know that when I get to heaven, those things which are cloudy to me will be made clear.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
I Love You Momma-Doll
I haven't really figured out how to do this whole blog thing, but as I laid in bed last night, I though that maybe it would be a good place to post my thoughts and feelings about my mom...
Mom died a week ago on Thursday June 26, 2008. Although she was not feeling well, it was unexpected. She had just spent about 3 weeks here with me in Billings. The Friday before she passed, Aunt Trorina came to visit and mom was doing okay, not great, but okay. Beth came on Sunday to visit and and I had taken her home to Great Falls on Monday night...I hadn't called her or talked to her on Tuesday or Wednesday, then the call came.
Thursday, in between teaching classes someone came and got me and told me that I had a phone call that I had better take because the lady on the other line was crying. I had a feeling right then. I went into the office, but the call was gone. I ran and checked my cell phone-10 missed calls, Aunt Rita for most of them. The caller was now back on the line and I went to take the call. All I could hear was Beth sobbing and a faint, "she's gone..." I knew that she meant mom, but I couldn't believe it. I just sat there, thinking how am I going to plan a funeral?!?
My coworkers are great and they immediately prepared to take over for me. I called Alan, I think he was caught very off guard. We made it to Great Falls that night. The next few days were sprinkled with tears and laughter as we sat and hung out with family talking about all manner of memories. The service was great, Pastor Bob really did a great job remembering mom, about 5 raised their hand for salvation. God is doing good things in our family through this, but it still hurts.
Last night, we were driving home from a friend's house and Alan's mom called. We talked about her plans to come out to Billings for the weekend. As I walked into the door when we got home, I had this thought--I should call mom--but I couldn't call. I realized last night that I would never hear her voice again, I would never hear her say "I love you baby doll" which meant that she would not hear me say "I love you Momma-doll." I don't know if she can hear me in heaven, but Alan said that I could ask Jesus to tell her for me. Whether or not she could hear me, I still told her as I laid crying in bed...
Mom died a week ago on Thursday June 26, 2008. Although she was not feeling well, it was unexpected. She had just spent about 3 weeks here with me in Billings. The Friday before she passed, Aunt Trorina came to visit and mom was doing okay, not great, but okay. Beth came on Sunday to visit and and I had taken her home to Great Falls on Monday night...I hadn't called her or talked to her on Tuesday or Wednesday, then the call came.
Thursday, in between teaching classes someone came and got me and told me that I had a phone call that I had better take because the lady on the other line was crying. I had a feeling right then. I went into the office, but the call was gone. I ran and checked my cell phone-10 missed calls, Aunt Rita for most of them. The caller was now back on the line and I went to take the call. All I could hear was Beth sobbing and a faint, "she's gone..." I knew that she meant mom, but I couldn't believe it. I just sat there, thinking how am I going to plan a funeral?!?
My coworkers are great and they immediately prepared to take over for me. I called Alan, I think he was caught very off guard. We made it to Great Falls that night. The next few days were sprinkled with tears and laughter as we sat and hung out with family talking about all manner of memories. The service was great, Pastor Bob really did a great job remembering mom, about 5 raised their hand for salvation. God is doing good things in our family through this, but it still hurts.
Last night, we were driving home from a friend's house and Alan's mom called. We talked about her plans to come out to Billings for the weekend. As I walked into the door when we got home, I had this thought--I should call mom--but I couldn't call. I realized last night that I would never hear her voice again, I would never hear her say "I love you baby doll" which meant that she would not hear me say "I love you Momma-doll." I don't know if she can hear me in heaven, but Alan said that I could ask Jesus to tell her for me. Whether or not she could hear me, I still told her as I laid crying in bed...
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