Gone A Little More Each Day

Yesterday I was looking through my day planner, updating my appointments and whatnot...I looked in the front on the "information" page and there it was, my mom was listed as my second emergency contact (my hubby is my primary contact). I couldn't well keep her as a contact now, so what was I to do but cross her out. CROSS HER OUT?!?! It felt so wrong.

Later as I was driving home I heard a song on the radio, "I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side..." I know that the song is really talking about God, but right then, I thought about my mom, about not being able to talk to her or hear her. This is soooo hard.

To make it worse, I need to cancel her cell phone, but I haven't yet because I wanted to hear her voice again. I wanted to record her voice mail message. It's not that I wanted to hear the words "Hi, this is Cindy..." I just wanted to be able to hear her voice again. So, Alan and I got our phones out I called mom's phone and put it on speaker phone, Alan put his phone up and recorded the message. I hadn't heard the message for a few weeks (I haven't called since she died) and when I did, I just started crying and sobbing.

I don't want to lose her, but she is gone. All I have left are memories. Fred Nelson said that his kids have a mahogany box for memories. Is it too late to start one for Mom? I'm not sure, but I am going to try anyway. I will find the things that remind me of her and I will put them in a box so I can have them whenever I want. I am just starting to feel like she is gone a little more each day, and that is painful.