Happy Birthday Mom

So, it's probably weird to wish my mom a happy birthday, or maybe it's not. I don't think that anyone really understands it all until they have been through it, and even then, you don't understand. I know that I don't understand it all and I am in the midst of "it" (grieving).

There are still days when I miss my mom and want to call her. There are days that I think another good reason to not have kids is because they won't have the opportunity to know her and for her to know them. Some nights are rough and I just cry. And then there are days when I can just think good thoughts about her. It's tough. I am thankful to have Alan to help me through it all.

I think about my sisters and wish I was closer to them (proximity), I wish that we could draw on each others' strengths and lift each other up in our weakness. I want to be there for them and let them be there for me.

I saw my grandma this weekend, she wanted to do something for mom's birthday, but I told her I didn't know what to do. It's not really a celebration and we are barely at the point where we can have a "remembrance" time. I don't know what we could have done, but at least I can do this--Happy Birthday Mom.