Everyday a New Challenge

Yes, everyday there is something new to think about...I won't ever be able to call my mom again; my mom won't be sending me a birthday card this year; Christmas just won't be the same...I have told myself to expect that each day, week or month that passes will possibly present a new "never again" for me. There are so many crazy thoughts going through my head right now, but I dare not put them in words, at least not for now, once they are in words, they are permanent, and I don't think I am ready for that right now.

Another challenge that I have is knowing what death really means to me. I do believe with all my heart that my mom is in heaven because she believed in Jesus, and I don't just mean that she believed that He exists, but she lived for Him as well. But beyond that, I am kind of at a loss. I don't think that she is an "angel" now that is watching over me, because I don't think that people turn into angels, but I don't know how "aware" she is of this life on earth. Does she hear me? Does she see me? Or is she doing what she was created to do--worship God. I know that one is certain, but beyond that I'm not too sure. I guess you could say that I am exploring what death means to me as a Christ-follower. I may not find the answer, but I know that when I get to heaven, those things which are cloudy to me will be made clear.