All the leaves are falling...Winter is now here--Charlie Hall

I love Charlie Hall. His lyrics have really hit me hard on his latest CD. I really feel like some of them were written just for me, at just this time in my life. To be honest, I have been doing pretty good lately (dealing with my mom's death), but when Thanksgiving came, it hit me hard. I couldn't even describe how I felt, until Alan prayed about it and talked to me. The feeling I had inside was (and still is on some days) EMPTINESS. It is such a hard feeling for me. I can't think of a time in my life when I have felt such utter saddness. I feel like I am running at about 70% lately. I can go out with my friends and I have to force myself to interact. It's nothing on their part, but everything on my part. I feel like I could sit in the car with Alan and just not talk, but I know that's not the best thing to do.

I am struggling with the balance of feeling the feelings, but not slipping into depression. I learned that you are depressed when you know what the cause is, but it's depression when you don't have a reason for the sadness. Last night, I just cried, Alan ran his hands through my hair and comforted me (when I got up to go to the bathroom, my hair looked like Einstein!!). I love him for that. Apparently grief goes through seasons...I am in the winter, but I will cling on to Jesus and His promises. One day, He will wipe the tears from my eyes and I will be united with Him...and see my mom again.

"All the leaves are falling, winter is now here, the spring is coming...and you can bloom again." I will bloom again. This isn't the last winter, but I know I have many more springs ahead of me.

September...How Time Flies

So, it's been a while since I've blogged at all. You can say that it has been very busy. Right after my birthday we had 2 Japanese students stay with us for 3 weeks. Yuu and Hiromi were a blast. They were so fun! I think they had a good time while they were here. We took them to Bozeman the day before they left and took them to the Museum of the Rockies and to a good burger place called The Garage. When I took them to the airport, they let me go up to the gate with them and we all cried! Who knew that 3 weeks could bring people so close.

While Yuu and Hiromi were here, both of my sisters and their families were able to come hang out for a little while (at separate times of course, my house is small). I went to the zoo with Athena and her family and I got to be in on the school shopping with Beth. I love my sisters so much, I wish I was closer to them. I don't think you really realize growing up how close sisters can be--we didn't fight, but I wouldn't say that we were friends until we all became adults.

So, in September, school started. I love what I do, I really, really do. It's just hard in the fall because there are a bunch of freshmen who haven't really figured out that this is NOT high school anymore! They'll figure it out in a couple of weeks.

I also got the results of my mom's autopsy...accidental overdose. The coroner said that it wasn't that she took too much, it was that her body wasn't metabolizing the drugs properly. Really? Why did it take the coroner to figure that out? Why was it that the time that she went into the hospital via mercy flight in November (she was technically "dead" then too) that they just said she overdosed--she took too many pain meds. We knew that she didn't. Then again in March when it happened--overdose. Then again in June. Why couldn't they figure out then what was up? It's frustrating to think about, especially when I'm not a doctor and I don't understand how it all works.

So, here I am, almost 3 months into this mom being gone thing. There are days when things are okay, but there are days, like today when I just want to just call my mom. It has been a long time, you would think that urge goes away--you know, the one where you just want to pick up the phone and call someone that you know isn't there--but it doesn't.

I miss my mom so much. Some would think that it is better to not love and therefore not hurt, but I wouldn't trade the love that we shared, even if it meant that I wouldn't have to suffer the pain. All the pain reminds me of all the goodness that my mom showed to us.

It's September now...my, how time flies!

My First Birthday Without Mom

It's kind of weird, I knew it was going to happen, but it still sucks...My birthday was yesterday and I didn't get a call or a card from my mom for the first time in my whole life. Eventhough I know she is gone, it still hurts. I knew that it wasn't coming, but that doesn't mean I didn't want a card or a call.

I keep thinking that I am giving this up to God--my hurt, my sadness, my anger, but I am finding out everyday how I keep taking it back myself. I know (in my mind) that God is in control of all of this. I know that God knew this would happen and that He allowed it for a reason that is far beyond what we could understand, but getting that into my HEART is another thing.

I have had a hard time giving my feelings to God, I have been holding onto them, thinking that I have the strength to get through this, but what if I don't and God knows it? What if God wants me to surrender my all to Him, the Creator of Heaven and Earth so that I can grow closer to Him? What if God is trying to show me that I don't trust Him like I should? I know that I don't trust Him fully. Why not though? What is holding me back from fully trusting the only one who will ALWAYS be trustworthy? Father, HELP ME TRUST YOU.

Like I've said before, each day is a new challenge. I'm thankful for Alan who loves me through everything, even when I am crabby from holding those hurts in and I get mad at him for no reason. I am thankful that God has put us together. I'm thankful that I can just cry and that he will hold me when I miss my mom.

I think about the things that Mom missed out on already--Kristina's baby, Athena's 1st anniversary, my birthday, Beth's 1st anniversary and tomorrow Beth's birthday. In the end though, I know that Mom is worshipping the King of all Creation, the One True God and that if we want to see her again, we also need to worship Him and bow down before Him now. We never know when our last moment will be, I want to be ready. I hope the rest of my family is ready.

How Much Longer???

So, it's been 6 weeks since my mom passed away...we still don't know the cause of her death. That's a hard thing to deal with. I know that my mom had chronic pain, but it shouldn't have killed her. To top it off, she was only 46 years old!!! There had been a few visits in the last 8 months of her life where the doctors said that she overdosed (she was on some potent pain killers), but I really don't think that was the case, no one in my family believes that. There was no reason for a 46 year old woman to die. When they checked on her medications after she died, they found that they were all accounted for. How much longer do I have to wait to find out how my mom died??

Part of me wants to know, but part of me doesn't. If they say that she overdosed, I think I will have a hard time accepting it because I knew that as much as my mom longed to go "home," she knew that she had 3 daughters and 4 grandchildren counting on her, not to mention COUNTLESS other family members. I pray that God would work in this situation, make the best of it, bring some good out of it (I know it is possible).