So, it's probably weird to wish my mom a happy birthday, or maybe it's not. I don't think that anyone really understands it all until they have been through it, and even then, you don't understand. I know that I don't understand it all and I am in the midst of "it" (grieving).
There are still days when I miss my mom and want to call her. There are days that I think another good reason to not have kids is because they won't have the opportunity to know her and for her to know them. Some nights are rough and I just cry. And then there are days when I can just think good thoughts about her. It's tough. I am thankful to have Alan to help me through it all.
I think about my sisters and wish I was closer to them (proximity), I wish that we could draw on each others' strengths and lift each other up in our weakness. I want to be there for them and let them be there for me.
I saw my grandma this weekend, she wanted to do something for mom's birthday, but I told her I didn't know what to do. It's not really a celebration and we are barely at the point where we can have a "remembrance" time. I don't know what we could have done, but at least I can do this--Happy Birthday Mom.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Grief Gives Way to Frustration!
So, let me be honest, I have been CRABBY lately! I feel like everyone is against me, well, computers at least! It seems like when it's time for me to actually do something, or I get motivated enough to do something, the computer just gives up on me, then I get frustrated. This was happening over the course of a couple weeks--I was feeling crabby and frustrated more and more often. I didn't think much about it...then I realized it, GRIEF!
I know it sounds weird, but I really think that this whole grief thing does more than make you sad. I have been having feelings of frustration and anger that I don't usually feel. I'm sure that if I had read up on this whole grief thing there would have been a blurb somewhere about how anger is part of the process, but hey, isn't it more fun to figure it out on your own : ) Okay, maybe not, but I have been thankful that God has shown me where these feelings were and are coming from. I have just been asking Him for help and guidance down this long road.
It's a weird thing, I don't want to break down and cry all the time, but when the urge comes, I want to "obey" that feeling; at the same time, I know that I can't let these feelings rule my life. There is also that sense of not wanting to not cry, if that makes sense, because I don't want to feel like I have forgotten about her. I understand logically that just because I don't cry all the time that it doesn't mean I don't miss her, but in my heart, it's a different feeling.
Time keeps passing by, life keeps happening. May this grief give way to something good...in its own time.
I know it sounds weird, but I really think that this whole grief thing does more than make you sad. I have been having feelings of frustration and anger that I don't usually feel. I'm sure that if I had read up on this whole grief thing there would have been a blurb somewhere about how anger is part of the process, but hey, isn't it more fun to figure it out on your own : ) Okay, maybe not, but I have been thankful that God has shown me where these feelings were and are coming from. I have just been asking Him for help and guidance down this long road.
It's a weird thing, I don't want to break down and cry all the time, but when the urge comes, I want to "obey" that feeling; at the same time, I know that I can't let these feelings rule my life. There is also that sense of not wanting to not cry, if that makes sense, because I don't want to feel like I have forgotten about her. I understand logically that just because I don't cry all the time that it doesn't mean I don't miss her, but in my heart, it's a different feeling.
Time keeps passing by, life keeps happening. May this grief give way to something good...in its own time.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Christmas Time
Okay, so I have known since Thanksgiving that this holiday season would be one of the hardest ever...that sucks, going into the season know how hard it will be, but I don't think you can really anticipate what you will be feeling, when you will feel it or how hard it will hit you.
Alan asked me if I had good Christmases growing up...I really can't remember a "good" Christmas as a kid. They got better as I grew up, but as a young kid, I don't remember much. I do remember the year that Mom got our presents from the second hand store and I remember my sister crying because she got a "boy's sweater." I don't even really remember what I got. I also remember finding out (years after the fact) that one year all of our presents had been stolen from the back of someone else's car, I don't remember those gifts either. The one Christmas I do remember was the first Christmas after my mom had her first job and was "clean." We lived with our Uncle Jerry and mom was so excited, she found 2 bikes at Toys R Us for my sisters. Christmas morning came and they fought over who would get which bike! Now, granted, I knew this would happen-Mom showed me the bikes and they were 2 different bikes, one of which was, well, let's just say not as cute as the other. In my eyes, a fight was inevitable. I don't remember the end result, if either of my sisters settled for the ugly bike, but I do remember mom was a bit crushed. Again, not sure what I got that year.
When we moved to Montana, Christmases were better. We spent them with LOTS of family, which was the most important and memorable part of Christmas for me...
So, there I was, Christmas Eve 2008, singing (on stage) at church when I looked out into the congregation and I saw a mom and daughter...the daughter's head was on her mom's chest, mom leaned down and kissed her on her forehead and I had to fight back the tears and just make it to the end of the service. It just reminded me of my mom and how much I really missed her this Christmas. I know that's all I really seem to write about--missing my mom, but just understand that this is how I get my feelings out and how I remember them.
Alan asked me if I had good Christmases growing up...I really can't remember a "good" Christmas as a kid. They got better as I grew up, but as a young kid, I don't remember much. I do remember the year that Mom got our presents from the second hand store and I remember my sister crying because she got a "boy's sweater." I don't even really remember what I got. I also remember finding out (years after the fact) that one year all of our presents had been stolen from the back of someone else's car, I don't remember those gifts either. The one Christmas I do remember was the first Christmas after my mom had her first job and was "clean." We lived with our Uncle Jerry and mom was so excited, she found 2 bikes at Toys R Us for my sisters. Christmas morning came and they fought over who would get which bike! Now, granted, I knew this would happen-Mom showed me the bikes and they were 2 different bikes, one of which was, well, let's just say not as cute as the other. In my eyes, a fight was inevitable. I don't remember the end result, if either of my sisters settled for the ugly bike, but I do remember mom was a bit crushed. Again, not sure what I got that year.
When we moved to Montana, Christmases were better. We spent them with LOTS of family, which was the most important and memorable part of Christmas for me...
So, there I was, Christmas Eve 2008, singing (on stage) at church when I looked out into the congregation and I saw a mom and daughter...the daughter's head was on her mom's chest, mom leaned down and kissed her on her forehead and I had to fight back the tears and just make it to the end of the service. It just reminded me of my mom and how much I really missed her this Christmas. I know that's all I really seem to write about--missing my mom, but just understand that this is how I get my feelings out and how I remember them.
Monday, December 8, 2008
All the leaves are falling...Winter is now here--Charlie Hall
I love Charlie Hall. His lyrics have really hit me hard on his latest CD. I really feel like some of them were written just for me, at just this time in my life. To be honest, I have been doing pretty good lately (dealing with my mom's death), but when Thanksgiving came, it hit me hard. I couldn't even describe how I felt, until Alan prayed about it and talked to me. The feeling I had inside was (and still is on some days) EMPTINESS. It is such a hard feeling for me. I can't think of a time in my life when I have felt such utter saddness. I feel like I am running at about 70% lately. I can go out with my friends and I have to force myself to interact. It's nothing on their part, but everything on my part. I feel like I could sit in the car with Alan and just not talk, but I know that's not the best thing to do.
I am struggling with the balance of feeling the feelings, but not slipping into depression. I learned that you are depressed when you know what the cause is, but it's depression when you don't have a reason for the sadness. Last night, I just cried, Alan ran his hands through my hair and comforted me (when I got up to go to the bathroom, my hair looked like Einstein!!). I love him for that. Apparently grief goes through seasons...I am in the winter, but I will cling on to Jesus and His promises. One day, He will wipe the tears from my eyes and I will be united with Him...and see my mom again.
"All the leaves are falling, winter is now here, the spring is coming...and you can bloom again." I will bloom again. This isn't the last winter, but I know I have many more springs ahead of me.
I am struggling with the balance of feeling the feelings, but not slipping into depression. I learned that you are depressed when you know what the cause is, but it's depression when you don't have a reason for the sadness. Last night, I just cried, Alan ran his hands through my hair and comforted me (when I got up to go to the bathroom, my hair looked like Einstein!!). I love him for that. Apparently grief goes through seasons...I am in the winter, but I will cling on to Jesus and His promises. One day, He will wipe the tears from my eyes and I will be united with Him...and see my mom again.
"All the leaves are falling, winter is now here, the spring is coming...and you can bloom again." I will bloom again. This isn't the last winter, but I know I have many more springs ahead of me.
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