Today is Rough.

Last night I was at a worship concert with my favorite band, the Charlie Hall Band. It was great. I really enjoy the fact that God has blessed the band and that God truly shows up at their worship experiences. His presence was there and I just wept, not in a bad way, but in a good "cleansing" way. If you don't know what I mean, then I can't really explain it. The downside...I thought so much about my mom. Worship (singing/music) was one of her favorite ways to express her love to God. So, it was a good/bad night. I cried in worship, I cried for her, though I know that she is worshipping in a way that I can never fully know until I, too, am in heaven.

Today is kind of hard too. One month ago today, I saw my mom for the last time, only it wasn't really her. We had her viewing for the family on June 29, 2008. I saw her lying on the table, it was her, but then again, it really wasn't. It was just her body, nothing left of her. No breath, no life, no smile...no mom.

Some days I feel like an orphan. I think today is one of those days. It sucks!

Not Much New This Week

So, not too much is new this week. My sister and her family came to visit me last week. It was nice to have her come and hang out and make s'mores over the camp fire. I think that it's good to have family close by during these tough times. Sometimes I don't know what to do or say when my family calls and they are feeling down. I know that sometimes I am just supposed to listen, but it is hard to not try to offer help or what not.

We still have to decide what to do with all mom's things. Some things we will yard sale, some stuff we will keep for a while. Then there's the house...mom's house. It's one of those things, we don't want to get rid of it, but we don't want to keep it either. I don't know that I want to go back to the house and have someone else staying there. I don't know. My sisters and I have more planning and talking to do.

I miss you mom...

I Have Had My Share of Sadness, Too

I don't really know what it means when people say "you are so strong." I just haven't figured that one out yet. I guess I just want people to know that I have had sad nights, sad moments, times when all I can do is cry. I haven't held my feelings back through this, but I do know that when I focus on a task, that's where my mind is. I guess the main point of this post is to say this...please know I am mourning my mom, I am not always strong.

Gone A Little More Each Day

Yesterday I was looking through my day planner, updating my appointments and whatnot...I looked in the front on the "information" page and there it was, my mom was listed as my second emergency contact (my hubby is my primary contact). I couldn't well keep her as a contact now, so what was I to do but cross her out. CROSS HER OUT?!?! It felt so wrong.

Later as I was driving home I heard a song on the radio, "I cry out with no reply and I can't feel you by my side..." I know that the song is really talking about God, but right then, I thought about my mom, about not being able to talk to her or hear her. This is soooo hard.

To make it worse, I need to cancel her cell phone, but I haven't yet because I wanted to hear her voice again. I wanted to record her voice mail message. It's not that I wanted to hear the words "Hi, this is Cindy..." I just wanted to be able to hear her voice again. So, Alan and I got our phones out I called mom's phone and put it on speaker phone, Alan put his phone up and recorded the message. I hadn't heard the message for a few weeks (I haven't called since she died) and when I did, I just started crying and sobbing.

I don't want to lose her, but she is gone. All I have left are memories. Fred Nelson said that his kids have a mahogany box for memories. Is it too late to start one for Mom? I'm not sure, but I am going to try anyway. I will find the things that remind me of her and I will put them in a box so I can have them whenever I want. I am just starting to feel like she is gone a little more each day, and that is painful.